The Edge Of Humour
by Jamangsta
Summary: Audrey's Life with her husband Kellan Lutz, and Amorette's Life with Ian Somerhalder. Love at first bite...not really...its all comedy people.
1. Multiple Personality Disorder

**Chapter 1**

"I have to say, you are by far the luckiest woman I know."

I looked over at Annelynne while I filled up my tray with cheese fries and beer. Wild locks of hair fell into my eyes. I had only been at work for two hours, and I was ready to go home. It was Friday night and it seemed like the entire town had decided to go drinking. "Why is that?"

"You get to have that delicious slice of man anytime you want." Her brown eyes were locked on where Kellan and his usual crew of Ian, Paul, and Robert had pulled up some random vacant chairs and claimed a table in the back corner. Primal hunger was in her gaze. "How in the world were you able to nab that fine piece of ass?"

And I had to resist the urge to claw her eyes out; instead I hefted the tray onto my shoulder and just gave her a slight shrug and walked over to a table where 4 boys were sitting chatting

"Here you boys go." I smiled down at the table of regulars. They were good guys, if only their hands didn't like to roam. "Anything else?"

The one closest to me, Philip, lifted his heavy brows as a slow smile drifted over his lips. "Is that a trick question? Cause there are plenty of other things that I _want_."

I just rolled my eyes. They were harmless, but I couldn't help but look over at where Kellan was sitting. His eyes were locked on me; gaze telling me that he was contemplating whether to come over or not. I gave him a smile, slightly shaking my head, and turning my attention back to the men at the table. "Anything on the menu?"

Philip smiled."No darlin', we're fine."

"Well, I'll be back to check on you guys later."

He winked, "We'll be waiting."

I didn't go back to the counter right away; instead I took a detour over to Kellan's group. Ian and Paul were still in their jacket and ties, probably just getting off work at the department. The two detectives had been partners for over three years now, making Paul like family. While Robert seemed to have found time to change before leaving the hospital for the night.

"Hey Audrey," Ian gave me a small smile and greeting as I walked up. He had been called the 'scary' one of the partnership on numerous occasions, but, to me, he had been nothing but a gentle, concerned friend.

"Hi Ian." I propped the tray against my hip and looked the four over. "Can I get you anything?"

"Jack and Coke," Paul flicked his finger up as his lips curled into a grin.

Kellan leaned back in his chair, looking at Phillips group. "Were they giving you a rough time?"

I looked up at the ceiling. "No, they were just being men. Really, you don't have to come here just to keep an eye on me."

"That's what we tell him, but he never listens." Robert looked down at his cell phone's screen. "And I have to leave in a few to meet up with Kristen at the bus station."

I perched on the edge of Kellan's leg, silently happy about how he automatically wrapped an arm around my waist.

"I can't stay late either, Amorette wants to go over the seating chart, for the sixth time, before putting it in ink." Ian perked up.

"You still need to pick your best man." Paul pointed out, swiping a smoke from his partner. "Cause I think it should be me, after all, I watch your back when we're on the field."

"But you haven't known him since he was two." Kellan pointed out, kissing my cheek as I got up, leaving them to continue the fight which they had raged over for three weeks now.

Amorette, Ian's soon to be bride, was my first friend I had made when I started high school and onto college. She had lived in the apartment right beside me, had introduced me to the love of my life Kellan, and I was her matron of honor when she and Ian tie the knot in a few short weeks.

"Can you make a Jack and Coke for the table in the back?" I called over to Annelynne as I pulled a bottle of _beer _from the cooler.

"Isn't that your husband's table?"

"Yeah, and if I go back over there I'll be dragged into talking to them, which I can't do, seeing that we're packed."

"Good point, though if I go over there I might not come back."

I gave her a stern glance and shook my head. "All the men over there are called for."

"Yet only one is actually married." I fumed, would have loved Amorette to be here.

Ironically enough I heard one word that answered my wish.

"Ian!" My short, pixie-like, sarcastic brunette friend barged through the door, only eyes for her soon-to-be husband Ian. I chuckled to myself.

"Someone's sleeping in the dog house tonight" I muffled with a slight smirk; I took my place on Kellan's knee once again, waiting for the drama.

Kellan made a whip noise. "Oh man, you are so whipped!" I replied to his smart-ass comment with a slight kidney jab. He winced and let out an 'ouch'.

Ian looked worried, muffling under his breathe. "Run, save yourselves while you still can!"

I laughed, while I hi-fived my best friend with a perfect slap sound. Amorette sat on Ian's lap. "Guess, what you forgot Ian?"

Ian looked even more worried. "But you said the seating plan thingy was to at 8 with your parents?"

Amorette frowned a bit. "I said 7!!! See what I mean about you not listening to me!!"

"I'm Sorry!" Ian replied sounding defeated.

I looked over at Kellan's smug smile and Paul's head tilted down like he was guilty for something, I snickered. Amorette's head snapped over to me, her eyes nearly popping out of their sockets. "You think this is funny! Do you Mrs Lutz???"

I answered swiftly and cringed back. "No ma'am".

"Good!" Amorette glared and than smiled and changed the atmosphere from anger to happiness in one quick second. "I can't wait to see you on Saturday night for the hen's night!!!!" She kissed my cheek and dragged Ian out of the bar.

I sat their stunned at the scene that had just taken place. "I tell ya that girl has multiple personality disorder." Kellan laughed with Paul.


	2. Bad Dream

**Chapter 2**

"Audrey do you really think you should be drinking?" Kellan said when I asked him to pour me a glass of wine. It was a gift of sorts from Ian and Amorette and at that moment I was glad for it.

"What harm is there in drinking one glass of wine?" I laughed apprehensively. I was a nervous wreck. What if I couldn't, you know, ah, you know, satisfy... please... him? And I really didn't want to get pregnant...Oooh...The pain!

Kellan gave me a skeptic look, raised his brow and after a few seconds uncorked the bottle and poured the wine.

Consummation frightened me. Drink, I found out, calmed my nerves and made me bold and I needed some boldness otherwise I would have run out of the room, leaving the groom alone on his wedding night. After my first glass, I asked for another, then another, then another until I had swilled down plenty. I chatted nervously with my new husband, waiting for the wine to calm my trepidation and make me bold.

For some odd reason though the wine was not doing its job. When Kellan poured the last drop into my glass, I had a spinning head, but no courage. When I drank that last glass I made ready to escape. I looked over to the door to see the distance I would have to travel. I thought I could make it. It was not that far. My head was swimming and I tried to make it stop just long enough for me to hop up and run out the door but it insisted on defying me.

"Stop it!" I said to my head.

"Stop what?" Kellan said.

"I didn't say anything" I told him, not realizing I had spoken.

"So I'm hearing things?" Kellan said with that blasted smile on his face.

"That or you're ease dropping. That's VERY rude you know."

"Audrey" Kellan said my name in such a sweet soft voice. "I promise I won't bite."

"I know that silly" I laughed at him. "But you do have teeth" I pointed a wavering finger at him. "Teeth quite beautiful."

"You're drunk Audrey" he grinned at me. I loved his grin. It was so... so... sexy.

"Ooohhh" my mouth fell open. "I AM NOT MOST CERTAINLY!" I was embarrassed that he knew.

"Yes you are" he kept grinning at me.

"I AM NOT!" I insisted.

"Are too" he said in such a sexy voice and grinned that sexy grin at me again.

"NO!" I shook my head. That was a big mistake because the room started spinning.

"Yes" he shook his head.

I proceeded to tell him what a scoundrel he was for calling me a drunk and how ungentlemanly it was of him to dispute the fact that I WAS NOT drunk!  
I had a sneaking suspicion that he knew I was stalling but he just grinned patiently at me and took my reprimand.

"Audrey" he smiled sweetly at me and took my hand. "You don't have to be afraid" he kissed my hand. "I won't hurt you. I promise."

Kellan was being so sweet. He made me cry.

"What's the matter?" he asked with concern as he used his thumb to wipe my tears.

"I'm... I'm afraid" I whispered.

"You don't have to be" he assured me.

"What if... what if..." then the wine made my lips speak my thoughts. "What if I don't do things right?" I cried. "What if I make a mess of things? What if you don't... find me appealing? I know I'm not the most beautiful..."

"Audrey" he interrupted me. "You are the most beautiful woman in the world to me and I find you very appealing."

"Really" I whispered as fresh tears filled my eyes.

"Really" he smiled and I fell in love with him all over again. "And, if you don't do things right" there goes that sexy grin again. "We'll practice 'til we get 'em right" he looked at me in such a way that goose bumps started crawling all over me.

A funny feeling started in the pit of my stomach and I did not know what it was. My heart beat increased and I could hardly catch my breath as Kellan continued looking at me like... like he wanted to devour me. He held me captive with his eyes. He had such beautiful blue eyes and I found myself getting lost in them.

"I can hardly believe we're married" I said.

"I got the papers in my pocket to prove it" he said.

"It happened so fast."

"Not fast enough for me" he said.

Kellan had asked me to marry him a week after we returned to Jordan to meet the relatives and wanted to get married as soon as we could get a clergyman to perform the ceremony. I wanted to wait at least 6 months. We ended up getting married two months to the day that we came back from Jordan, Amorette was my matron of honor of course.

My nerves had finally calmed down when Kellan stood up, pulled me to my feet and drew me into his arms. Being alone with him and pressed against his chest made my nervousness return. I wanted to run but my legs wouldn't cooperate. My light head had gotten even lighter and I would have fallen if he had not been holding me. Then he started moving from side to side. I guess he was trying to rock me to sleep.

"That don't do" I blurred out.

"Sorry" he laughed at me.

He stopped that blasted swaying and pulled me even closer and hugged me tighter. It felt good to be in his arms. It felt warm, safe and secure. We stood there for I don't know how long and every so often he would kiss my forehead. If that was all we were going to do, I had no reason to be nervous so I relaxed, closed my eyes and enjoyed being held by my strong husband.

"Where... going are you" I slurred when his warm body pulled away from me. I kept my eyes closed because it seemed to help my swimming head.

"No where" I heard him said. And I could have sworn he laughed at me again.

I smiled, glad he wasn't going anywhere. Then I felt the straps on my nightgown moving. Where were they going? Then I felt something on my neck. What was that? I opened my eyes. Kellan was kissing... oooh that tickled... my neck.

"Kellan?" I said with absolute fear. "What... what are you doing?"

"Kissing..." he laughed. "My wife."

"I'm up here" I informed him nervously. "Not down there." The neck kissing was tickling me... all over.

I heard his muffled laugh as he continued kissing me. Then I felt something wet. What was that? It was his tongue.

"Maybe..." I pulled away from him. "Maybe we shouldn't..." I stumbled back but Kellan kept me from falling.

"Maybe we should" he grinned at me, pulling me back to him.

"I don't know" I frowned at him. "Maybe we should wait."

"I don't think so" he said.

I was about to protest but before I knew it his lips covered mine. I let out a startled cry but he continued to smother me with his lips. What was that he was doing with his tongue? And in my mouth no less. After a few seconds, I began to feel his passion and couldn't help but surrendered to it. And I'm glad I did. I thoroughly enjoyed what he was doing with his tongue.

"What... was that?" I asked when his lips left mine and he rested his forehead against mine.

"The kiss I wanted to give you the first day I saw you."

I remembered that first kiss we shared, and though it was nice and yet embarrassing since Amorette was there, this one was definitely better.

"I liked this one much better" I told him.

"Me too."

I smiled at him, happy that things were going so well between us. This wasn't so bad. I had no reason to be so nervous - then he tried to take my nightgown off.

"What are you doing?!" I almost shouted when he started pulling my straps further down my arms.

"Audrey..." he said in a very determined voice. "This is our wedding night."

"I know that!" I was nervous. I couldn't let him see me without any clothes on.

"And things happen between a man and woman on their wedding night."

"How do you know?! You've never been married!" Boy I was getting scared.

"No I haven't" he said in a very agreeable voice and loosed his hold on me. "But things are going to happen between you and me tonight."

"What things? What are you doing?!" I asked him. He was pulling his shirt out of his pants. Then he started unbuttoning it.

"Undressing."

"You can't do that!"

"I can't?" he said but kept on undressing.

"No! No" my voice shook when he took off his shirt. "You, you can't" I stared at his chest. "Put your shirt back on! Right now! Put it back on!" he had started undoing his pants.

I almost swooned when he dropped his pants and was standing there with only his underpants covering him. Then he stepped out of the puddle of his pants toward me.

"Get back!" I warned him but he kept coming. "Get back!" I said as I retreated for each step he took.

He grinned at me and kept coming. I backed myself into a wall, literally and he laughed at me.

"I got you now" he said in a seductive voice.

I felt chills from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. I was scared stiff. I couldn't move. I couldn't open my mouth and tell him to stop right where he was. I fearfully looked up at him when he was standing directly in front me. I was waiting for him to say something but all he did was stare at me. I think he was hypnotizing me with those eyes.

He touched the side of my face with his finger then ran it down my cheek.

"I love you Audrey" he said and his words nearly knocked me over.

I knew he loved me. Something in his eyes told me. But this was the first time he actually said the words. I started crying again and he caught a tear with his finger. I couldn't say anything because I was so overwhelmed at the emotion the flooded me. I loved him too.

I looked over at the window of our room and saw the smooched up face of Ian pressed against the glass. I screamed so loud and opened my eyes and sat up from bed with a cold sweat. I gasped and looked around.

I glanced at the clock. 3am, a groan slipped out of my mouth knowing that I have a night shift tonight at the bar, I collapsed back down on the bed and watched Kellan sleep peacefully beside me, thinking about the almost perfect memory that ran through my head. Stupid Ian.


End file.
